oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Mom said you looked used
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
