News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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