I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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