Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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