you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
