Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
