Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Even my vagina gasped.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
