I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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