I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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