Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
