I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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