I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
