i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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