I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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