We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
