Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
