You're so nebulous sometimes
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
