I think I died a long time ago.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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