My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
