my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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