I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
