I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
