I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
