when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
