theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
