guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
