I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
