I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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