Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
