I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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