If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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