The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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