I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
