I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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