you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I supernannyed him into submission
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
