Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
