somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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