Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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