ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
