The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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