Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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