i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
