my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
