We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
