Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I want her autograph on my taint
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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