he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
