you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
