Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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