Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
