I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
