i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
